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Mike Birbiglia Tests Jokes on The Tonight Show Audience | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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-The new show is called "The Old Man and the Pool." I was lucky to see one of the first previews. -Yeah, yeah. It's all a work in progress. I'm going to Berkeley in January for three weeks. It's like, you know, the first stretch of shows. I'm doing 21 performances in January. I'm really excited. -That's wild. -Yeah, it's wild, right? -Yeah, you could just relocate. That's going to be the first time really doing this since COVID and all this. Are you excited for this? -I... My sister Patty, lives in the Bay Area, and so it was actually the first place, when I started out as a road comic, that I wanted to perform was in the Bay Area so I could visit my sister Patty. Just like, a sweet thing, you know? And the problem was getting booked there. When you're starting out, it's that there's tons of great local comics, and so they don't really want you. Generally, they're like, "We're good." And I'm like, "Yeah, I'll come." They're like, "No, no." -"We're fine." -"Yeah, no, we have comedians," you know? Because I was starting out as an opener, and this guy Jeff who owns a club, he goes like, "You can work for a week in San Francisco, but then you have to work for my club for a week in Sacramento with no hotel." Which, in show business, it's like kind of hard to not have a hotel, because you don't live in Sacramento. Like, I don't live in Sacramento. -How are you going to do that? -What am I going to do? So I stayed on my sister Patty's couch in San Francisco, and then I commuted 100 miles every day to Sacramento for a week. -That's commitment, right there. -Right. But the reason why I really remember it is that I was backstage at the Sacramento Punch Line and someone offered me marijuana, and I don't use substances before I perform. I never had. And I go, "What's the worst thing that can happen?" [ Laughter ] And I'll tell you what it was. [ Laughter ] So what it was is, I'm like a person who, when you smoke pot, I'm like the least fun person to smoke pot with. I'm the I'm the guy who's always like, "Do you guys hate me? Why does my heart hurt? Do I have rickets?" I'm that guy. And so I took one drag, one drag, walked out on stage. I forgot my act, forgot my name, and I forgot that I was a comedian. -Wow. -I'll act it out if the cameras can follow. [ Light applause ] So I'm up there -- Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, actually. No, that's good. -Should introduce you? -"Please welcome..." Yeah, yeah. -Please welcome Mike Birbiglia! [ Applause ] -I'll do it -- can I do it over here? [ Drumroll ] -Please welcome Mike Birbiglia! [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey. [ Laughter ] For 30 seconds. For 30 seconds. Hey. Please welcome your headliner, Tom Rowe. -Oh, my God! -No act. No act! I had no jokes. I told no jokes. I was supposed to be on for 20 minutes. I did 30 seconds of standing there, and I never used a substance before walking onstage ever again. -Yeah, that's a good lesson to learn. -And then I stayed at a motel that night. I used my paycheck from the entire week to put myself up in a Sacramento hotel. -Oh, my God. -I know. -Where are you staying now? -I'm staying -- Oh, man. Last time I went to Berkeley, the last show I did, which was called "The New One," which was across the street on Broadway. -I loved "The New One." -Thanks. And it's so nostalgic to be here. Yeah, because it was right around Christmas, like three years ago, and I did it at Berkeley Repertory Theater, which is where I'm going, and I stayed in an Airbnb, which I find to be a dishonest acronym. No breakfast. Still waiting on the breakfast. -Bed, sure, yeah. -"AirB and we live nearby." We stayed at an Airbnb. It was my wife, Jen and our daughter Oona, who was three at the time. We loved it. It was like, this pristine place. But then we realized for the first time that we're not pristine people. -No. -I think we're messy people, because afterwards, we messaged them, we're like, "Love to stay here again," the owners of the BNB, and they were like, "You should visit the city again." I was like, "At your apartment," and they were like, "We wish you well in your life." You know what I mean? -Wish you well in you life. -I was like, "We wish our life was at your apartment." And they were like, "We wish to never see you again." So this time, I'm staying at a hotel. -You're doing a hotel? -Yeah. In Sacramento, I mean. I'm commuting. -To Berkeley all the way from Sacramento. You got to -- [Snaps fingers] You can't get too big. You got to take yourself down. You got to check yourself. -Yeah. Yeah. -Before you wreck yourself. -Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. -I want to talk about your podcast, too, "Working it Out," which is like -- I listen to maybe two podcasts,. -Which ones? -"Working it Out" is one. -"Working it Out." -"SmartLess," maybe. -"SmartLess" is so good. You were great on "SmartLess." And I want you to come on my podcast. I keep texting you. I think, do I have the right number? Is it 646... -Okay. -You want Jimmy to be on the podcast or not? [ Cheers and applause ] You want Jimmy to be on the podcast or not? 646... -Don't give out my number! -No, no, this is how it works, right? You come on "The Tonight Show." -Yeah.

-And then you get the phone number, and then you text... -That's close to my number, right there. -646. Go ahead. -No. You have my number. -Next. -And then you get the phone number, and then you text... -That's close to my number, right there. -646. Go ahead. -No. You have my number. -Next. -You have my number. We've texted. -Alright. -I love your podcast, because I haven't done standup in such a long time. -Yeah. -And -- -I'm pulling out jokes. From the podcast, because I work out jokes on the podcast. -I know, but I thought you were like, reaching for a weapon. I don't know what I thought you were doing, but you were doing this while I was -- You were like, "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. And what do you think of it, man?" No, but I haven't done standup in so long that I love listening to it, because you get a great comedian on and you talk about, you tag tags. You talk about tags. -Sure. So if you have a great joke, you go, "Yeah, that's good. Or you could end it this way." -Yeah. -And then they go, "Yeah, or it can keep it the same way I just had it.: And you get kind of in a nerdy fight, but it's funny. -Pete Holmes is one of them. -Pete Holmes is great. Roy Wood Jr., John Mulaney. -John Mulaney is fantastic, though. You texted me about Aisling Bea when she was on. -She was really good. -She was so good. -Yeah. -I just love it. I just love how it's so interesting, but also so funny. And you go, "Oh, I miss those days of talking to comedians and getting really into the nuance of a joke." -Here's some jokes I'm working out. These may or may not make it into the show. This is how the show works. I say jokes that aren't done. -Here we go. -I was at a cafe in Brooklyn, and there was this woman who said to her son, who was, like, six years old. She goes, "Arrow, if I don't get my coffee soon, I will die, literally." And I wanted to say to this woman, like, "Ma'am, I don't know if that's the best way to teach your son the meaning of the word "literally." [ Laughter ] Because if he thinks that that's the meaning of the word, he might think he himself is an arrow. And if he is an arrow and he hugs you, you might die. -Literally. Absolutely. That was a great joke. [ Musical sting ] You might die, literally. That's fantastic. -Oh, there we are. -Yeah, that is so good. An arrow literally is so great. -Yeah, that's a good one. I love that one. -I love that you were able to finish it. -Maybe it is not that well written. -You know what's funny, is our daughters are best friends. -Our daughters are friends, and they both love jokes. And my daughter always -- One of the things about being a comedian that's fun is that you get to make up jokes for your child. My daughter's 6, your daughter's 8. -Yes. -And they love it. And it's great, and you're like, "Oh, I'm doing one thing right." -Yes. I love it. -You know what I mean? -And so we were reading a book the other night about penguins, and I just thought of, I was like, "Oona, what does the penguin say to her parents when she's hungry?" And she's like, "What" And I'm like, "Waddle we have for dinner?" [ Musical sting ] Don't! No, please! Don't feel like you have to laugh. It's not for you. -Wow. -I write some jokes for you, and I write some jokes for my daughter. What you need to know as an audience is that it killed. [ Laughter ] She was like, "Haaa! Waddle we have for dinner?" -"Waddle we have for dinner?" How do you do it? -Mind blown. -So back to the grown-up jokes. -Okay. -I think. -Yes, of course. -So I'm at the cafe, and this guy walks in and he goes, to the person, he goes, "Could I have a loaf of rosemary ciabatta?" And his 8-year-old son goes, [ Childish voice ] "Dad, I don't want wosemary ciabatta, I want wegular ciabatta." [ Laughter ] I wanted to say to this kid, I wanted to be like, "Life is going to hand you all kinds of ciabatta, but if --" -[ Laughter ] "But if you want wegular ciabatta, I think you've got to hold your ground." [ Laughter ] -Life is gonna hand you all different types of ciabatta. Oh, my God. -Oh, my gosh darn. Jeez. -Rosemary ciabatta. [ Applause ] So then people always go, like, "You're not old," and it's true. It's like, I'm not old, I'm like, middle-aged. I'm 43. I'm halfway through my life. Not technically, not everyone dies at 86, but no one's ever like, "80 through 100. Those are the years." -Yeah. -They're like, "I was 83. I reached for a grape, and I never walked again." That's called "80 to 100." [ Applause ] -Can I choose which one? -Yeah. -I like the blue one. -Okay. [ Chuckles ] S I was in the back of an Uber, and the Uber was making a left turn onto the Manhattan Bridge, and he hit up a pedestrian. -What? -But it's funny 'cause she lived. [ Laughter ] She went down hard, but you know, she was like, "Ahh!" Then she was like "I'm good!" You know? Because New Yorkers are resilient and often drunk. But it was shocking in the back seat. I was like, "Ahh!" The second thing I thought was, "one star." One star. -That's how you do it! That is how you do it right there. That is the one. Mike Birbiglia, everybody! Check out Birbigs.com for tickets to "The Old Man and the Pool."

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